30
Oct 2012

Rape Is Not Romance: A Guest Post/Open Letter By The Man Of Mans.

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The Man of Mans has written what I think is a pretty rad letter regarding a popular, but in my opinion, disturbing new song. I’m posting it here with his permission.  The letter quotes  song lyrics which might be triggering for some. As always, take care of yourself and skip this post if you’d like.

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Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to you to express my concern over the song “Kiss You Inside Out” by Hedley, which is currently receiving significant airplay on your station.  I find the content of this song highly objectionable and do not feel it is appropriate music for the radio.  I recognize that your mandate is to play contemporary hit music, and that this song is quite popular.  However, I believe that as a privately owned radio station, you have the right to play, or not play, whatever you wish, and I hope that you will exercise that right and remove “Kiss You Inside Out” from your rotation.

I first heard “Kiss You Inside Out” on your station (which I listen to regularly) approximately two weeks ago, and was immediately struck at how the words and tone of this song strongly hint at sexual assault under the guise of romance.  I include here the first part of the lyrics in their entirety (as found on lyricsmode.com) to provide full context, but I have taken the liberty of highlighting lines that I find particularly problematic.

I don’t know if you’re ready to go
Where I’m willing to take you girl
I will feel every inch of your skin
And you know I can rock your world
Imma be the calm in the storm you’re looking for
I’ll be the shipwreck that takes you down
I don’t mind if you lie in my bed
We can stay here forever now.
Ouuu oohhh
Turn off the lights
Take off your clothes
Turn on the stereo
Ouuu oohhh
Give up the fight
I’m in control
Why don’t you let it go.
Yeah, I wanna know you inside out
I’ll spend my life trying to figure out
Just close your eyes and shut your mouth
And let me kiss you inside out.

The entire song reads as an attempt to initiate sex that is coercive and demanding.  The highlighted portions above (the latter of which are repeated 3 times) show this most strongly, implying consent has not been given, or even asked for, that the woman has no control over the situation, and that she should keep her mouth shut and accept what is happening.

I find the message of this song extremely offensive, all the more so because the music behind it clearly shows that this is supposed to be a love song, implying that women should actually want to be with a man who expresses himself in this way.  This is not a song about love, it is a song about rape, and as such, it has no place on the airwaves.

Because this is a letter as opposed to a conversation, I feel obliged to try and speak to what I imagine may be some arguments against my request.  I am not implying that you or your station will make these statements, but I have heard variations on them from many people on several occasions, so as said, I feel obliged to pre-respond to them.

“This song is romantic; it’s what women want.”

Romance has always been portrayed in an incredibly narrow way in popular culture, and at no time has this portrayal been particularly indicative of “what women want”, in part because there is no such thing; women are far too large a demographic to collectively “want” anything.  But I believe it is fair to say that virtually no one wants to be sexually assaulted, and that very few women would describe being coercive and demanding as romantic traits.  The real problem with songs like this is that they make it harder for everyone, but especially young and impressionable people, to tell the difference between appropriate and inappropriate sexual behaviour.

“It’s no worse than anything else out there.”

First, I hope that your station strives to a higher standard than this.  Second, as said above, amongst the dozens of songs I hear on the radio every day, this song immediately stood out as particularly offensive.

“You’re taking certain lyrics out of context.”

I feel the full context, which can be seen above, only strengthens the distastefulness of the highlighted lyrics.

“Not playing a song because you think it’s offensive is censorship.”

Every company has a code of ethics under which it operates, and it has the right to not engage in practices that violate those ethics.  This is not censorship, it’s a private company conducting business in the way it sees fit.

I hope that you are willing to take a stand against the misleading and dangerous portrayal of sexual assault as love, and that you will choose to no longer play “Kiss You Inside Out”.  Thank you in advance for your consideration.

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Do you have anything to say about this song? Please share you thoughts in the comments.

If you’d like to contact KISS FM directly, you can reach them here.  You can also contact KISS FM’s parent company Rogers Digital Media (Radio) here.

 

Categories: Activism, Media, Suckpants, The Man of Mans Tags: , , , ,
09
Aug 2012

My Wife The Sex Writer

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You guys? I got really busy and kind of overwhelmed, so The Man of Mans did me a major solid and wrote me a blog post. I didn’t even ask. He just did it because he is wonderful like that!

Here, from the man (of mans) himself is the skinny on what life is like with a partner who has a *wee*  propensity towards TMI.

How does your partner feel about your blog?

So reads one of the OAQ – Occasionally Asked Questions on this site. Nadine’s response is accurate, but I thought I would try to answer this one myself.

How do I feel about this blog? I think it’s frickin’ awesome! Thank you.

No, seriously, I think I understand where the question is coming from. Nadine shares an awful lot of information about her relationships, her home life, and of course, her sex life, and more than a little bit of that information involves me. Since she’s the one writing the posts, she obviously won’t share anything that makes her uncomfortable (or if she does, she’ll do it consciously), but I’m the one who could log on at any time and discover she’s told people what I like to be called while we’re doing it!

I (quite possibly wrongly) imagine people who ask this question assume one of a few things.

  1. I am into the TMI just as much as Nadine, and the only reason I’m not writing my own blog is because I lack her writing skills.
  2. I read all her posts before she puts them up and vet them for anything that makes me uncomfortable.
  3. I have no idea that Nadine writes a blog at all.

Actually, it’s none of these (well, except for the part about her being a better writer). I am definitely not much of an online sharer – I’m not on Facebook or Twitter, and I have no idea how to use Flickr or the like. I actively avoid reading any of Nadine’s posts before they go up, because I much prefer to see her blog the way everyone else does (more on this later). And clearly, I am fully aware of this blog.

The reality basically comes down to this – I’m cool with the blog because I trust Nadine. I know that she puts a great deal of thought into everything she writes for this site, and that she would never share something personal just to titillate her readers or increase hits. I also know that she values our relationship above just about everything else, the same way I do. She’s not going to share something that she thinks would negatively affect our relationship, even if doing so would be beneficial for a post. I’m not suggesting that anyone who would react differently in my situation has issues with trust, but for me, trust is the prominent factor.

But I guess that only answers the question “Is your partner okay with this blog?” As for how I feel about it, that’s a different story.

Have you ever wished you could read your partner’s diary? I feel like I get to do that every day, but without any deception or guilt. Of course I also like to talk to Nadine in person, but it’s pretty cool to get to read the thoughts she felt were important enough to capture in writing, even if that`s a privilege I share with hundreds of other people. That`s also why I don`t like to read the posts before they go up – even though that`s something that only I`d get to do, it would actually feel less personal to me.

One thing that quite surprised me when I moved to Ottawa was the discovery that folks in the high-tech industry are actually a pretty conservative bunch. I distinctly remember one conversation where my co-workers were horrified/amazed to learn that you could get porn at the local video store. Scandalous! So I have to admit, I always quite enjoy the discussion that goes like this:

“So, does your partner work?”

“Yes, they are also in high-tech/No, they’re at home with the kids/etc. How about your wife?”

“She writes a sex blog.”

“Ooookayyyy…”

More seriously, I’m far more aware than a lot of my co-workers (I won’t say knowledgeable, just aware) of issues around sex and sexuality, gender, feminism, etc., thanks to having a partner who does what she does. On more than one occasion, I think I’ve been able to get someone to see an issue in a different way, by mentioning something from Nadine’s blog, or better, just pointing them at it.

On a more, shall we say, suggestive note, there’s a pretty big upside to having a partner who is really comfortable talking about sex, not to mention one who thinks about it an awful lot. Plus we don’t have to hide all our smutty books away when our parents come to visit – we can just say they’re tools of the trade.

So, in conclusion: Frickin’ awesome.

I love this blog. It’s informative and funny, and it makes my partner happy. That’s pretty much everything I strive to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: Meta, The Man of Mans Tags: , , ,
19
Jun 2012

Sexy Recs or What I’m Seeing At Ottawa Fringe

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After a romantic, food and wine-filled weekend trip to Niagara Falls, I’m back in Ottawa and ready to get my Fringe on! After unpacking (read: throwing my travel bag in a corner) and getting the house in order (read: throwing a stack of mail in a corner), I kissed my family good-bye and set off for The Courtyard a.k.a Fringe central!

While I’m behind the pack in terms of the number of shows I’ve seen, diving into the Fringe fray on day 5 has it’s advantages. There are 52 shows playing at this year’s festival. That’s far more theatre I can handle (though thanks to The Man of Man’s and his mad skillz of Fringe programming, it *is* possible for the hard core amongst you to pull it off!) I need to pare down my options to a more manageable selection and happily my pals who have been fringing since day one, were eager to tip me off to what’s hot and sexy at this year’s festival!

Gametes and Gonads

My friends Gord and Tracy were emphatic about the high quality laughs in this one-man show about the epic life and death struggle of sperm and ova. My pals talked this one up to the hills, but I was like, “Guys, you had me at ‘it’s takes place inside the uterus’.

2020

Disclosure: I’ve worked with 2020‘s author, J.P. Chartier on two of my own plays. Further disclosure: J.P. is one of my favourite people. Yet more disclosure: He touched my boobs. Additional disclosure: I liked it.  So, yes, I may have a bias, but friends and critics who’ve praised J.P’s futuristic drama about assisted suicide are not. Is a play about suicide sexy? When it features Mr. Chartier in all his full-frontal naked glory – you bet your sweet bippy it is!

Heterollectual

It is virtually guaranteed that if there is dancing, I will like it.  Kevin “Visitorium” Reid tried raving to me about the extraordinary talents of Pollux dance and the beauty of their show about love, lust and other heartfelt things, but I was like, “You had me at sexy dancers doing sexy dances about sex.”

Dead Wrong

Dead Wrong doesn’t have a trigger warning. I’ve been told that it should. Word around Fringe is that Dead Wrong is an affecting, disturbing and extremely well-told story about a woman who survives a sexual assault and testifies against her rapist, only to discovered she may have accused the wrong person. Katherine Glover has been given high praise for both her performance and her script. I’m inclined to give this one a try – though I may have to bring a friend for emotional support.

Bonus Straight From The Horse’s Mouth Personal Recommendation

I did get to see one show last night. Vernus Says Surprise! is a sweet, simple story about a sweet, simple old man. And, peeps, I absolutely fell in love with it. I’ve had the privilege of working with writer/performer Ken Godmere in the past, so I knew this would be good.  I expect to laugh. I did not expect I would gasp, groan, squeal with delight, fist pump, cheer or dissolve into wordless tears at the end. But I did. I highly, HIGHLY recommend that my local peeps go see Vernus Says Surprise!  Meanwhile those of you in Regina, Winnipeg, Saskatoon and Edmonton get ready…’cause Vernus is coming to town!

 

 

 

Categories: Friends, Fringe, Sex, The Man of Mans Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
05
Jun 2012

My Five Sex Tips For Young Parents

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You are SO into each other! So much so that you’ve made a life together  and thrown some little people in the mix for good measure! They’re beautiful, amazing kids…who are totally harshing your sex buzz. Been there, done that. Or more accurately: am there, doing that.  I certainly haven’t found the secret of living with a young child AND maintaining a rigorous schedule of hot monkey sexin’. But The Man of Mans and I have managed to be co-parents and sex partners and sometimes we manage to do both on the same day.

Here are five strategies that have worked for us and might work for you too.

1. Masturbate – It’s Okay.

No really. It is!  I admit that sometimes I feel a little…weird about it. I mean, here I have a perfectly sexypants partner within touching distance and here I am going to town on myself.  But here’s my deal. Sometimes libido is about the desire to connect with my husband in an intimate and naked way. But sometimes it’s because my nethers are aflame and about to burst of my pantaloons! Meanwhile, it’s midnight on a day that started at 5 a.m. and  the only propect that excites The MoMs is a big fluffy pillow. Yes I could try to goad him into sleepy, grudging sex, but there are time when it’s easier and ultimately everyone will be happier if I rub one out and hit the sack

A quick note to sleepy partners everywhere. Sleep is important, so if your body’s asking for it, that’s what you should do. But if you’re up for it, maybe pop open your PJs to expose your lover’s favourite naughty bit before you nod off. A little masturbatory inspiration goes a long way!

 

2. Express It. Don’t Expect It.

As a working parent, some days get very, very busy and I become very, very overwhelmed. By the time The Bean is tucked away for the night and the last item on my to-do list is crossed off, I barely feel human, let alone like a human with functioning sex parts. By now, The Man of Mans has a keen sense of when “do not enter” vibes are emanating from my vagina. But he says awesome stuff like, “I know you’re not for sex right now and that’s cool. I just want you to know that you give me the feelings.”

I’ve run myself ragged and to the world-at-large I have all the sex appeal of a mop. But a partner who’s still warm for my form AND chill about letting me veg out while watching So You Think You Can Dance? That’s hot!

 

3. Non-Sexual Touching

You know those obnoxious snuggly couples who hold hands all the time and sit on each other’s laps? You need to cut them some slack, jack – especially if they have kids!  Physical contact promotes intimacy, affection, trust and all kinds of positive feelies. Those good feelings help counter the some of the less wonderful side effects of parenting, which may include frustration, confusion, guilt, frustration, worry, shock and frustration. Believe me – that icky, schmoopy cuddly stuff is the glue that holding my relationship together!

 

4. Porn

Sometimes if The MoMs gone awhile without sex, I’ll decide enough is enough! Being a mother and being a sexually viable human being are not mutually exclusive and tonight I’m gonna get me some!  But sometimes, even when my mind is willing, my body is weaksauce and I can’t quite jump start my arousal.  And yes there’s the whole lovely candles, wine, gentle kisses, blah, blah, romance novel seduction, but The MoMs and gotta get up early and get The Green Bean off to school. Also? I’m clumsy and likely to knock over the candles, thus burning the house down.

Porn is a quick, reliable way to get turned on. Watching my favourite scene from Debbie Does Dallas makes Nadine want the sex now. Not everyone is comfortable with porn, which is cool. But for those parents that don’t oppose the injection of a little erotica, remember that in addition to film, there are novels, short stories, comics and I think you can get porn on the Internet now too.

 

5. Lube and Toys

Similar to porn, a good slick lube and a reliable sex toy are both excellent tools for the busy parent who needs a quick and efficient orgasm. Like many people I keep my collection lube and battery-powered sex-ccessories in the nightstand. This makes for easy night time access and quick, convenient clean-up once the deed is done. As the parent of a young child, I only have about 90 seconds before the post-coital sedation renders me unconscious. I don’t want The Green Bean to come in and find my Liv lying around the bedroom the next morning. I’m not ready to field those questions yet.

Categories: Parenting, Sex, The Green Bean, The Man of Mans Tags: , ,
14
Feb 2012

Everything We Need To Know About Dating We Learned In Kindergarten

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picture via Picasa

Due to recent family developments, I’m in the midst of  full-scale sentimental-parent overload.

The Green Bean has a CRUSH!

Last week, the little girl in “the other” kindergarten class captured my son’s attention and affections. According to The Green Bean she is “SO cute. And the BEST jumper ever!” Apparently she is also ensconsed a strict social circle that only includes other girls. Poor Bean was daunted by the prospect of penetrating the mini-klatch and declaring his feelings, so he asked The Man of Mans and I for advice.

“I likes her a REALLY lot, Mummy!” NAAAAWWWWW! I am dying of cute y’all!

So The Man of Mans and I have been dolling out the love tips. We’re trying to keep it five-year-old simple, but the more we discuss it, the more I realize the lessons apply regardless of age:

1. If you like someone, find them and tell them, “Excuse me. I like you very much.”

2. If you’re too shy to tell them face-to-face, find another way. With a poem, in a letter or maybe a Transformers card with extra-specical stickers!

3. Always use good manners with a crush. For example, if they are about to go down the slide offer to clean the sand off for them first.

4. Don’t be afraid to let your feelings show. Smile at your crush. Say “hello”. Climb the monkey together. Invite them for a playdate.

5. Tell your crush why you like them. Let them know they are the smartest person you’ve met, your favourite person to talk to, the BEST jumper ever!

Armed with this advice, The Bean went to school today, jack up on that old lovestruck combo of exhiliration and fear, as he prepared for his first forray into love. But he was brave, our Bean. He confessed his true feelings to his little love, who accepted his proposition to hold hands in the yard tomorrow. Which brings us the final lesson:

6. Hold hands. It’s the nicest.

Once upon a time, I had a crush on a boy at my school. My subtle attempts at flirting and admittedly ridiculous “moves ” did not get the job done. So I  gathered my courage, called my crush and told him, “I like you very much.”  That was sixteen years ago today and I’m very, very glad I did.

I think The Man of Mans is too. ;-)

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!

Categories: Crushes, Family, Love, The Green Bean, The Man of Mans Tags: , , , , , , , ,