Last week I read 50 Shades Of Grey, the erotic, pulp fiction sensation that is sweeping several nations. I’ve heard a lot about this book and now that I’ve read it I have a LOT to say about it. In the spirit of the 50 Shades trilogy, this week I’ll be posting three entries on my experience in the Grey zone.
As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, weak writing was the least of my many problems with 50 Shades of Grey. But it was a problem. I kept vacillating between amusement and ire as I made my way through E.L. James’ inelegant prose.
At one point, part of me thought, ‘Nadine, if this book bothers you so much, maybe you should unleash the lion and write your own erotic novel. Walk the walk, as it were.’
Another part of me thought, “Or we could just make sarcastic comments on Twitter!”
My novel is likely to remain in the conceptual stages for the foreseeable future. But I got all pro-active with the snide tweeting. Here is the unabridged collection of my 50 Shades rage. Full snark in 140 characters or less!
Grey: You cooked. I’ll clear.
Ana: That’s very democratic.
Me: No it’s not!
Anna: *I am naked in a bath with Christian Grey. He’s naked.*
Me: That’s because YOU’RE IN A BATH!
Ana: He’s hard and soft at once, like steel incased in velvet.
Me: OH NO YOU D-IN’T!
Grey: You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet.
Ana: I don’t have access to a computer.
Me: Where is your college? 1987?
Kate: Took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex.
Me: I suggest less Freud and more clitoris.
Ana: His most potent weapon used against me. He’s so good at sex.
Me: *Dies a little inside*
Ana: He’s charming the pants of my dad…like he did to me!
Me: This is about to become a *very* different type of book.
Grey: I’d really like to claim your ass, Ana.
Me: Ana’s ass can be found in ass claim on ass carousel no. 3.
Ana: Have you done that [anal sex]?
Ana: HOLY CRAP!
Grey: Now. I want to be buried inside you.
Me: This position is called ‘Congress of the Turducken’
Ana: The candle flame is too hot.
Me: I know, honey. Flames are made of fire.
Ana: My inner goddess has her pom poms in hand; she’s in cheerleading mode!
Me: Ah, Cheerisis, Goddess of Pep!
Grey: Ready for some contraception?
Me: Cue Jock Jams!
Ana: He’s just sex on legs.
Me: We’ve found our slogan for our latest product: The Erotic Piano!
Ana: Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?
Me: YOU LEAVE SHAKESPEARE OUT OF THIS!!
Ana: My spinxlike smile meets his.
Me: Stop inventamitating words!
Ana: Christian is wearing the grey flannel pants…his grey gaze full of promise.
Me: I don’t understand the title of this book.
Ana: My subconscious gives me an I-told-you-so expression.
Me: Dude, why does your subconscious HAVE A FACE?
Ana: …my nose drinking in his Christian-and-spiced-musky body wash fragrance.
Me: …new from Herbal Essences!
Ana: Like a small boy he’s iridescent with anticipation.
Me: You’re confusing small boys and irridium.
Ana: He denies it, but he admits he’s trying for more.
Me: I am untroubled, but irritated by this sentence.
Ana: Inside my subconscious relaxes and slumps into an old battered armchair.
Me: Dude, why does your subconscious HAVE A CHAIR?
Ana: The pain is indescribable…and I’ve brought it on myself.
Me: That summarizes my feeling about 50 Shades of Grey.