In 2010, my pal Sterling Lynch sent me on a quest for chaps – a task I completed promptly and admirably with documentation provided. Not long after, I proposed a counter-quest for Sterling…and well…you’ll have to read his guest post to find out how that played out.

Sterling has entered written evidence that supposedly proves aspects of his mission were voluntary. But that’s not the whole story! There were also oral exchanges (that’s not what I meant!) I was led to believe a quest-post was forthcoming. It’s true that over the years, I have moderate inquiries about the progress of Sterling’s post. I was well within my rights to do so. He *said* he would give it to me and I demand satisfaction!

That’s not what I meant.

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Be careful what you tweet for.

I’m not even sure how it all got started, but I know it started on Twitter because ALL_CAPS intervened in my back and forth with Nadine to point out that chaps — by definition — are assless.

Wikipedia, thankfully, supports the view Nadine and I share: the expression “assless chaps,” despite its redundancy, does designate a unique phenomenon — that is, chaps designed and worn for fetish purposes.

Go ahead do an image search on Google. You know you want to.

Anyway, clearly, assless chaps are the sort of thing one should look for on a trip to San Francisco! Or so I thought. Nadine, always agreeable to all things silly and titillating, agreed. The scavenger hunt I proposed was, after all, putting the tit back into silly!

She blogged it, of course, and somehow managed to try on a fabulous dress while touring the Castro in search of assless chaps. Read it here.

In this post, sharp readers will notice that a causal Twitter conversation is transmogrified by Nadine into a “demand” on my part. This transmogrification reads all the more strange to my eyes because I’m sure — sure! — Nadine was soliciting ideas for adventures in San Francisco. No demand, I can assure you, was made by me.

Sure enough, an email arrived two days after the post went live. Under the title, “Your mission (should you choose to accept it)”, Nadine writes,

Given your apparent enthusiasm for 1920′s fashions and your interest in various porn-flavours, your quest is as follows: Find some olde tyme, silent-film era porn. Bonus points if accompanied by a related blog-post.

While it’s certainly true that I am enthusiastic about 1920s fashion and have an, ahem, “interest” in various flavours of porn, it was unclear to me how or why Nadine thought this generated a “mission” for me to fulfil.

I noted that the mission was characterized as a “if you choose to accept it” mission, so I chose to stall for time, replying:

Alright, let me think on this…

As it happens, a couple of weeks later, while I was undertaking, ahem, some “research” into my “interests,” I stumbled across this NSFW clip. It’s not from the 20s, but it looks to be authentically silent era.

Like Bush on that aircraft carrier in the Gulf, I flipped Nadine the link and triumphantly declared, “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!”

To which she replied,

Looks authentic! Funny, I was re-reading the ChapQuest post this afternoon. You found the porn. Now all you have to do is blog it.

Que? Now all I “have to do” is what? Blog it? How did “bonus points” turn into a “have to?” Again, I stalled for time, replying,

Oh. Am I supposed to blog it? Sure thing!

My smilies here are meant, I think, to imply something like, sure, when I get around to it, Mrs. Grabby Pants.

And there the discussion sat for a long long while, until it finally boiled over one candy wine meth fueled night.

Nadine said slurred something like, hey, you never wrote that blog post about vintage porn. you filthy double crossing, liar, and cheat, where the hell is that blog post you owe me? I’m going to cut you, fat boy. Again!

To which I hoarsely screamed replied, you will read it in hell, you, Queen of the Harpies I will be glad to write the post as soon as an opportunity arises.

When Nadine asked me to guest blog, while she was on vacation, I thought, aha! here’s my chance to publicly denounce her to resolve our misunderstanding in an agreeable fashion for all.

Mission accomplished.

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Sterling Lynch waxes philosophical about everything from identity to the popularity of brailizians for balls at his eponymous blog, Sterling Lynch.