Photo by moonlightbulb

 

Peeps, I could use some guidance.

As many of you know, I have an anxiety disorder. I also experience intermittent bouts of depression. Sometimes they barely affect me. Other times? It’s a combo-pack of suck. The anxiety stuff has been pretty acute for the past several weeks. I’ve been sleeping poorly. I’ve lost weight. I have the classic shortness of breath, accelerated heart beat and occasional flesh crawling ickiness thrown in. The other day, I got irrationally angry at a jar of pesto and briefly considered smashing it on the grocery store floor. Days later I still haven’t entirely forgiven it. Stupid pesto.

Virtually every task before me is cause for stress. My distorted mind goes OMG! THERE’S A MAJOR WORK RELATED PROJECT I HAVE TO COMPLETE! And OMG! I HAVE TO FILL OUT A FORM FOR PIZZA LUNCH!  Also, OMG! I NEED TO WASH SOME TOWELS!  I know it’s anxiety because my rational brain doesn’t ever all caps about towels.

I also know it’s anxiety because my libido has been MIA.

It’s okay not to want to have sex. But this isn’t about being too tired after a long day of work or getting clit-blocked because my kid keeps walking into the room.  This is haywire body chemistry messing up my mojo and darn it all, it’s the absolute pants!

I like sex. And while The Man of Mans is totes supportive, actively reassuring me that there’s no pressure from his end , I’m pretty sure he also likes sex. I want to want to have sex. I miss wanking and make-outs. I miss quiet stealth fucking on weekend mornings while The Bean watches cartoons. I miss being horny.

This week I saw my shrink.  I lamented my failure to fix my problem. She reminded me that anxiety isn’t something I can fix. Sometimes life is a little busier, a little more stressful and it can trigger an anxiety flare up. It’s not awesome, but for me that’s it’s normal. I can’t make it go away. But I can choose how I deal with it.

That was some empowering advice right there. It also took some of the pressure off. I don’t have  to try and not be anxious. I just have to decide what I want to do when I am. That’s where the guidance piece comes in.

Clearly I’ve got some fundamentally wackiness happening in my brain. I already know that certain substances, namely caffeine, will reliable trigger spectacular and debilitating panic attacks. Lately I’ve been wondering if there other foods/substances that exacerbate my anxiety. Conversely, I wonder if there are foods that can help reduce some of my symptoms…maybe even jump start my sex drive again.

You peeps are a smart, smart gang. I’m sure many of you know far more about nutrition than I do. I wonder  if any of you are willing to share any insights, information or experiences you have about eating and the affect it’s had on your physical and/or mental health.  Granted food, health and bodies are uber-personal topics, so no pressure to respond.  If you do want to reply but you’d prefer to comment anonymously or send me an e-mail, that would be wonderful as well. Just having people read this is an act of support in and of itself, so anything else you offer me is gravy on the mashed potatoes.

Hmmm…does gravy help anxiety?

I have no answers right now. Just questions to explore, a heart that’s beating too quickly and the comfort of knowing this is all normal Nadine. Eventually the flood of stress hormones will recede and (fingers crossed) a tidal wave of fun, sexy hormones will take their place. Maybe, just maybe, there’s something I can do to help that process along.

 

 

Don't call it "Chrismukkah". A message from Angry Holiday Cats.

Christmas is barreling towards us, with the end days of 2011 hot on it’s heels.  With that in mind, this post isn’t so much about the sexiness – unless you’re turned on by sentimental musings and personal retrospective – in which case, prrrrow! I am about to float your boat.

This blog is one of a few things I sought to change this year. I began the year driven, determined to push hard and build a better Nadine. I was determined to set my little world on fire and instead I burned myself out.

One of the things I’m most grateful for is supplementary health insurance that offers partial coverage for psychological care.  That policy got me a shrink! And Shrink has helped me delve into some shit.  Some of it’s icky and quite painful, but as my man Sterling says, feeling pain is the first step towards releasing pain.

Shrink is also teaching me the value of rest and of retreat. I love my busy life. I want to have my fingers in as many cookies jars as possible all the time. But I’m also a human being who’s body needs to sleep and who’s mind needs to unwind.  I’m a woman with a beautiful child and a wonderful partner, both of whom deserve to have my full love and attention sometimes.

Finally, I am gal who loves me some Christmas. I especially love this Christmas. My Green Bean is old enough now to fully embrace the excitement of the season. The Man of Mans and I are creating new holiday traditions, free from the past.  The entourage and I will be crooning yuletide style at karaoke this week!

So the blog and I will be taking a little holiday until the new year.  I’ll be back here on January 1st, 2012 with a fresh helping of smut…and an exciting announcement!*

Wow, that WAS  some sappy, self-indulgent blogging!  You deserve a present.  Here – have these sexy photos of Betty White:

They sure do grow 'em nice in St. Olaf!

Now that's what I call a Golden Girl!

Best. Christmas Card. EVER!

Merry Christmas to those of you for whom it applies and my deepest thanks to all of you for reading. I wish you all the very best and until next year…keep your pants off!

*No I am not pregnant.  Yes, I am a married woman of childbearing age. Still not pregnant.

 

Time to change! (image via lism).

There are things I cannot change. My past.  My raging neuroticism. My adorkable and not-so-adorable blunders. My loathing of pants. My typos.

Still my life is not completely at the mercy of Happenstance and her fateful auto-pilot. The extent of my courage and/or wisdom remains to be seen, but I am working on changing a few things in my life and on this blog.

What sorts of changes?

The life stuff I’ll get to eventually.  As for the blog changes…read on!

New Focus

During my time off, I’ve been thinking about what I want this blog to be. I’ve wanted to focus the theme of my content for awhile.  I thought about returning to theatre-related blogging, but frankly bloggers like Kevin and Kris and Nancy say it far better than I ever have.

Meanwhile, I can’t seem to go five minutes without jawing about masturbating or lubricant or gender politics and relationships.  Though I’m no fan of pants, I’m clearly facisnated by what goes on underneath them.  Seems like a good place to shift my focus.

Pants: You never know *what* you’ll find in there!

New Name

Don’t get me wrong. As a group, thespians are a sex-centric bunch.  However, Adorkable Thespian just doesn’t fit my new self-imposed mandate. So from now on, this space will be known as Adorkable Undies.  Because even in the throes of sexiness I’m still likely to fall off the bed.

New Look

Since I’m taking her in a new direction, I figured this gal could use a new outfit. Sometimes when you change your look, you change your outlook.  In addition to the new theme, there’s some new info under the menu tabs, a list of my favourite sex-related sites and a link to my column at Apartment 613.

…The More They Stay The Same

Despite any personal or blog-related changes, this is still me. The subject matter has shifted but I still intend to share (and overshare) my personal perspective.  I hope that you will continue to comment and that we will continue the conversations that I love having with you all. If your feeling shy, anonymous comments are always welcome, so long as they are respectful.

New school year, new season and a new start for this space.  What changes will these changes bring about? We’ll  have to wait and see.  In the meantime, it feels very good to be back!