04
Mar 2013

Sex Educating Our Kids: Who Amongst Us Is Prepared?

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The other night my pal stepc brought my attention to the following news item via Twitter. It’s a quick read but if you’re pressed for time, the gist is this:

Cathy Sanders, the mother of a 13-year-old Nanaimo boy objects to the distribution of an animated flip book in her son’s grade 8 class room. The book, produced by Catie.ca and distributed by AIDS Vancouver Island features an explicit demonstration of a woman putting a condom on her erect partner’s penis and having sex with him.  According to the article, Ms. Sanders is pissed about the graphic nature of the pamphlet and the fact that it apparently upset her kid quite a bit.

(If you’d like to see for yourself, check out Ian A Martin’s latest blog post.  He turned the flipbook in to a pretty nifty animated gif. As I said, it’s graphic, so exercise necessary discretion when clicking through.)

I have to admit that when I first read the article, my initial reaction was ‘Bah! It’s not that big a deal. Cathy Sanders is uptight, overprotective and blowing this thing WAY out of proportion!‘.  I even composed a tweet to that effect. But as I looked over my 140 characters snark, I thought, ‘Hold up there, Judgey!‘ . Sanders may be affronted by flip-book sex but I have my own set of biases…

  • I am building a career predicated on the belief that frank, open and explicit communication about sexual health and pleasure are a good thing. Not everyone shares that belief.
  • I’ve worked in the sexual health/pleasure field for several years. Graphic depictions of sexstuffs have become normal and commonplace for me. This isn’t the case for most people.
  • I’ve spent the last three years of my sex education career working with youth. I know that many teenagers are sexually aware. I’ve become extremely comfortable with the reality that teens may be sexually active and may have sexual partners. But sexual readiness comes at different times for different people. Just because many of the youth I’ve encountered have been interested in sex that doesn’t mean this woman’s son felt the same way.

I’m also biased because I’ve spent a lot of my career advocating in favour of sex education for youth that goes beyond the telling them how sex will get them pregnant or sick. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy defending against the type of inflammatory rhetoric that calls a museum exhibit pornographic or claims that comprehensive sex ed curriculum will “teach kids how to have anal sex”.

So I read the article and because of my biases, my first impulse was to get defensive. But then I thought a little more. I thought, ‘This woman probably loves her son and wants what she feels is best for him.‘ I thought about how it might feel to be confronted by your troubled child and a cartoon erection if you weren’t expecting either of those things. I thought about parents and the type of messages we’re given about the role we’re supposed to play in our children’s sexual education.

I don’t feel the pamphlet was pornographic nor would I say that it was categorically age-inappropriate for 13-year-olds. But it may have been age-inappropriate for this particular 13-year-old, or at least unsettling. And when I stop to consider his mother’s position I do feel some sympathy for her. ‘Cause in my experience, parents are primed on exactly three types of sex talks: The Birds, The Bees and The Basics; Your Body Is Going Through Some Changes; and finally Only Have Sex When You Are Ready (You Are NOT Ready!) Son, Let’s Talk About This Naked Flip Book And Why It’s Bothering You, isn’t in the parents’ sex talk playbook. For the most part, we’re told it’s our job to dissuade our kids from having sex. So while I disagree with Ms. Sanders’ characterization of the book, I can sympathize a bit too.

As I was discussing this article on Twitter and later with The MoMs, I realized that as much as I talk and teach about sex, I rarely talk about sex education as part of parenting. And I think I need to change that. Yes, I have a certain level of factual knowledge. But how to convey that information to my son? I know my role when I walk into a classroom or workshop. What is my role as a parent?

Like most parents, ultimately I want my son to grow into a healthy, happy, decent human being. I know that as an adult his sexuality will most likely affect that health and happiness. But what do I say? How do I impart my ethical belief that everyone has the right to make their own choices about their own bodies, when my parental instincts are already hollering at me to MAKE HIM WEAR A CONDOM!?

If he chooses to be sexuality active, long-term I want him to enjoy those experiences without shame or fear. But if it turns out he’s straight, there’s a reasonable chance I’m going to ruin is early dating life by screaming “DON’T GET ANYONE PREGNANT!” every time he’s with a girl.

I want to tell him that he should have sex when he feels ready? But if he asks me, “Mum, how do I know when I’m ready?”, I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know if that’s my question to answer.

All of this to say, that it’s hard. Parenting means flying blind most of the time, especially when it comes to sex. I guess this blog post is my way of sending out a signal. Tell me, fellow parents, how do you feel about sex-educating your kids? Do you have fears, issues you feel ill-equipped to deal with? Do your emotions and the instinct to protect your young ever clash with your general belief system?

It’s sobering to realize how quick to judgement I can be. It can be far too easy to position myself as the enlightened sex expert in these situations. But while our boundaries may differ, Cathy Sanders is probably a loving, well-intentioned parent who found herself in a situation she probably didn’t know how to handle. I can sympathize with that, because I’ve been there…and I will be again.

Categories: Dating, Friends, Genitalia, Health, Love, Media, Parenting, Sex, Social Media, The Green Bean Tags: , , , ,
25
Feb 2013

Reflections on Number 8: California Dreamin’

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Aaaand…we’re back!

As I mentioned earlier, The MoMs, The Green Bean and I took a quick trip down to San Francisco.  Spending time in the Bay Area is always a pleasure, but we also had much business to take care of, namely scoping out neighbourhoods, looking at homes and meeting the locals.

By now, many of you know (and the rest of you have probably guessed) that come June, the family and I will be leaving Ottawa and moving to San Francisco!

Actually, it looks like we’ll be moving to Berkeley, where a slightly less expensive rental market will afford us an extra bedroom for guests. It’s a pretty happening city in its own right and a short BART ride away from its sister across the Bay. We spent the bulk of our time Berkeley this week and the friendly people, bountiful markets and vibrant night life were seductive indeed.

Why the move?

I decided several months ago that I wanted to continue my career as a sexuality educator. To do so, I knew I’d have to further my education. After a lot of research, discussion with colleagues, discussion with mentors and discussion with my family, I decided to I would apply to begin graduate studies in Human Sexuality this fall. The program that best suited my needs was the The Insititute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, located smack dab in the middle of San Francisco.

The family I and briefly considered the distance option, which would have meant travelling from Ottawa to San Francisco for two to three weeks at a time, every four months. It was doable, but the more The MoMs and I thought about it, the more we realized that that much time apart was going to heap a ton of extra stress and work onto both of our shoulders – something that neither of us wanted.

What we wanted was to spend more time with each other and with The Bean. We wanted a break from some of the obligations that have us both a bit bogged down. The MoMs’ brother and his family recently made a big move to Australia. It was a risk leaving their very established life behind, but the fresh start has done them a world of good. The MoMs and I began to wonder if a new beginning might do us good too. Both of us love San Francisco. Nice weather and the opportunity to be outside in sunshine year-round would undoubtedly be good for the Bean. The MoMs could work there. I’d have access to some of the best sexuality resources and experts in the world. The more we thought about it, the more we realized heading out to California was a no-brainer. So we’re going.

The plan as it stands now is to go for a least a year. I have very strong attachments to Ottawa – especially the family of friends I’ve made in the almost fifteen years I’ve lived here. I also see that there’s a real need for sex positive resources in our city. Eventually I’d love to come back and continue working as a sexuality educator here in the capital. We’ll see what life has in store.

So that’s the jam. There’s a triple-long list of to-dos to get done before we pull up stakes. While part of me is champing at the bit to start this new adventure, I know the next few months are going to race by and I know I’m going to miss the shit out of Ottawa once we go. So I will enjoy the time I have left here, while I look forward to a new set of experiences and the chance to cross item number 8 of my 40 Before 40 off the list!

Categories: Community, Family, Friends, Fun Stuff, My 40 Before 40, Parenting, The Green Bean, The Man of Mans Tags: , , , , ,
04
Jan 2013

Question of The Week

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In the spirit of a new year and new beginnings, I’m introducing a new feature called: Question of the Week.

In university my classmates and I used to write a ‘Question of the Day’ on the blackboard in the theatre student lounge. These questions almost always centered around sex and almost always sparked some lively, informative discussion. All that talking about sex helped me feel okay about sex. It seems like a tradition worth reviving.

Of course participation is completely optional. You can answer often, occasionally or not at all. If you have something to say but you’re feeling shy, you’re always welcome to comment anonymously.

So without further ado, let’s get to this week’s question:

How did you first learn about sex?

I’m lucky. My introduction to sex was safe, simple and very straightforward. I was three or four years old when I asked my mother how babies were made. Mom calmly replied that babies were the result of  intercourse. She went on to explain that intercourse was when a man put his penis in a woman’s vagina. My mom described sex as something totally normal, which I realize in retrospect was some pretty rad parenting on her part. I walked away from that first conversation with a shiny new piece of knowledge and virtually no prejudice about whether this sex thing was good or bad

Most experts agree that when preschoolers ask questions about sex, adults should answer their question directly, without going into  a lot of additional detail. Which is what my mom did. Throughout, it’s also what my teachers and other adults in my life did. Because sex was always described to me as a penis in a vagina and because all the pictures I saw in books were static, I thought sex was passive and still.  My mom told me that grown-ups enjoyed sex because it was pleasant and pleasurable. I assumed she meant “pleasant” the way grown-ups thought drinking coffee was pleasant or reading magazines was pleasant. The word sex conjured images of naked people lying in bed, quietly connected at the crotch, talking about taxes or names for the baby they were making.  It wasn’t until I saw my first saw porn that I understood how active sex can be.

That’s my story. I’d love to hear yours. The comment section is open – tell me how and when you first learned about sex.

 

Categories: Genitalia, Health, Parenting, Question Of The Week, Sex Tags: , ,
28
Nov 2012

My Favourite Things: A Child’s Right To Choose

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photo by Harrywad

Early this year mini mega-star, Willow Smith chopped off her hair-whipping locks in favour of a super-short ‘do.  A whole ‘lot of people got all kinds of upset because OH NOES, SHE’S ONLY ELEVEN and ACK SHORT HAIRS R 4 BOYZ and HER EXCEPTIONALLY TALENTED, GOOD LOOKING PARENTS MUST BE REALLY PARENTS!!!!

Last week, the exceptionally talented Jada Pinkett-Smith confirmed that she’s exceptionally rad at being a parent. She took to Facebook to share the lessons she wants to teach her daughter about her hair, her body and her choices.

 

Categories: Feminism, Gender, My Favourite Things, Parenting, Social Media Tags: , , , ,
27
Nov 2012

Reflections On Number 11: Blog Hop and a Preview Of Things To Come

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Image by Tim Geers

Number 11 of my 40 Before 40 is: Write a book.

Shelley Taylor is, amongst other things, a champion of sex-positivity, the founder of Venus Envy and an all-around superb human being. She’s also the creator of Pass The Herpes, an awesome blog that discourages stigma by encouraging people who live with genital herpes to share their stories.

Shelley asked me to participate in a blog hop.  It’s similar to a chain letter, except instead of correspondence, each blogger answers a series of questions about their book. Vain woman that I am, I lept at the chance to write an entirely self-focused entry about my book. Then I remembered that I haven’t written a book…unless you count my  NaNoWriMo endeavour from 2005, which you absolutely should not because it’s utterly dreadful.

So, no book yet; however it is on my list of things to do before I hit the big 4-0. So consider these answers a preview of my future literary endeavours.

What is the work­ing title of your next book?

The Talk: How to speak to kids about sex and what to say.

How did the idea come about for this book?

A few months ago, I found myself on the periphery of some controversy about a local museum exhibit designed to teach youth about sexuality. I thought it was fantastic presentation. Critics of the exhibit feared it was too explicit. Time and again, I was confronted by the argument that kids should learn about sex from their parents, not from a public institution. I disagree that sexuality and sexual health should be exempt from public education spaces. However, I total support the ideal that parents, guardians, grandparents, aunts, uncles and other caring family members can be an integral part of a young person’s sex education.

Unfortunately, most caring, conscientious parent-types don’t have easy access to comprehensive information about sex. Even basic stuff, like using lube or dentals dams as part of safer sex practices are things I only learn about through my work. People can’t and  shouldn’t have to become professional educators to access to the information their kids need. I thought to myself, “Self, what can you do to change this?”

My answer?  Start by offering advice on how to talk to youth about sex but follow up by giving them all the accurate knowledge to share.

What genre does your book fall under?

Sexual Health. Or Sexuality Education. Or Nadine Is Determined Not To Be The Only Parent Whose Kid Who Yells “Ovaries” In Public.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

A movie version of a non-fiction book about sex? Balls-out awesome!

LeVar Burton because he would bring the ‘Reading Rainbow’-style, educator cred. My friends Kate and Natalie Joy who are both fantastic actors and fantastic parents. And finally, Sir Ian McKellen because then the Oscar nomination’s in the bag.

The one sentence rendition of your book

Teach yourself how to teach your kids about sex.

Will the book be self-published or represented by an agency?

Since we’re dealing in hypotheticals, let’s assume I’ll get picked up by a big-time publisher. Let’s also assume they’ll give me a big, fat advance which I will use to secure my retirement and to buy Fluevogs.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

It took me a few days to solidify the concept for the first manuscript. I suspect writing it might take a little longer.

What other books would you com­pare this to within your genre?

That’s the thing. I haven’t come across any other books quite like this in the genre. There are books that give advice on how parents can talk to their kids about sex but I haven’t found any that also include a lot of factual information.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

Every moment during a class or training module or workshop that made me think, ‘Wow. I wish I’d learned this when I was twelve.’

What else might pique the reader’s interest about your book.

Sexually transmitted infections are fascinating – fascinating, I tell you!  My book will include a comprehensive chart listing all the STI’s, their symptoms, their effects and known treatments. It will also include some sort of fancy-pants legend. It’s seriously going to blow your mind!

Now hop along to:

Danielle Writes 642 Things

My dear friend Danielle wears many hats. She’s an author, a poet, a mother, a partner and a stand up comic. She was a fixture in Ottawa’s spoken word community until life whisked her away to Seattle. Settling into a new home while raising two young children and nuturing one’s artistic career would be more than enough to keep most people busy. But Danielle is not most people ( I suspect she has secret powers). Inspired by the book 642 Things To Write About, Danielle has made it her mission to write 642 things in 642 days.  If you want a glimpse into the extraordinary mind of a woman living an extraordinary life, check out Danielle and her blog – immediately, if not sooner!

 

 

 

Categories: Books, Community, Friends, Genitalia, Health, Media, My 40 Before 40, Parenting, Sex Tags: , , , ,
15
Nov 2012

Repost: The Little Known Perils of Working In Sex

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Originally posted March 11, 2010

photo by trec_lit

I’ve had a variety of unremarkable day jobs: government work, standard retail…that sort of thing.  Then, through a series of flukes and coincidences I’ve wound up with a whole other career…in sex.  There’s much to love about working in this sphere.  It is, by nature, a sexy field to work in.  I get free and/or discounted condoms, toys and other paraphernalia. My work has helped me sort out some of my own issues related to sex and body image.

I also see a lot of boobies.

I love what I do.  That having been said, there are quirks of the trade.  Here, for your education and amusement are 10 occupational hazards of working in sexuality.

10.  All Talk. Less Action.

I talk about sex all the time. Which leads some people to assume that I have sex all the time.  The truth is that Man of Mans and I live jam-packed lives as working parents to a young child.  If you invite us to a party, you may catch us sneaking off to a seclude corner somewhere but it’s just as likely to be for a power-nap as for make-outs.  Add to that the high probability that I’ve spilled something sticky on my shirt  and really it’s miraculous that I get any action at all.

9.  Condom Surplus

Condoms, condoms everywhere.  A box in my spare room.  Leftovers from presentations.  Standard swag at conferences.  I come across random rubbers in my purses, my pockets…once stuck to the bottom of my shoe.  Need some latex?  Come see me. I have enough to sheath every member of our fair city.

8. Jumping To Conclusions

Once some friends came over to hang out and one of them brought a video. I immediately wondered why they had brought porn and if they wanted us to watch a group and would that be super-awkward?  It absolutely would have been, except for the part where the movie was The Big Lebowski.  I sometimes forget that when most people say  ”I brought a video” or “come round the back” or “I could eat some sushi” they’re being literal. Life is not one continuous double-enterdre

7. Buyer’s Remorse

Access to deeply discounted toys and other hot paraphernalia is awesomehats.  But like with anything else, I’m susceptible to the seduction of sale prices, regardless of what the item is.  As such, I’ve come home with a few items that far exceed my sexual ambitions and/or flexibility.  When I look at an item and think “where does this GO?”, that’s probably  a clue that it’s not the toy for me.

6. Impropriety Is The Spice Of Life

Due to the nature of our work, conversation around the office water cooler tend to be about the current season of Lost…and clitorises. Oscar fashion…and clitorises.  The latest federal budget…and…you know.  I can and will bring any conversation back to the clitoris.  It’s a deeply ingrained instinct.  Great for work and nights out with certain friends.  Less wonderful at wedding receptions or playground chat with my fellow parents.

5. Blurting!

This one’s related to number 6.  Recently, I was at dog training class when the instructor asked us, “what is something you really, really wouldn’t want your dog to have in his mouth?”  No one answered.  The instructor prodded futher, “Really?  Nothing?  Nothing you wouldn’t want your dog to grab…perhaps trot out in front of guests?”  “Um…your vibrator?” I ventured.  Everyone in the class looked at me like I’d eaten a kitten. “I meant something like shoes,” the instructor corrected, “Dumbass.” She didn’t say that last part but it was strongly implied in her tone/withering glare.

4. Spoiler Alert!

One of my many guilty pleasures used to be pulp fiction novels.  Sadly, I can no longer enjoy them.  Or soap operas.  Or romantic movies.   I can’t be in the same room as a sex scene, without critiquing all the titillation out of it.  Because of my professional lens (or “smartypants-itis”, as I like to call it), I ruin pop culture sex for myself and I wreck it for other people too!   One friend has already stated emphatically that she will never watch Y Tu Mama Tambien with me.

3.  Not Pimpin’

Dear Random Strangers Who Approach Me In All Sorts Of Random Situations,

I work as a sex educator. That’s not the same thing as doing sex work. I support it, I just don’t do it. If you want information on safer sex practices or how to locate the G-spot, I’m your gal.  If you want access to a sexually experienced kink-specific, instantly available play partner, I’m afraid you’ll have to ask elsewhere.

2. Family Bonding

My parents are very supportive of the work I do.  *Very* supportive.  Perhaps too supportive.  Like when my mom (Hi, mom!)  came to the fellatio workshop I was giving and sat in the front row.  Then she enlisted my help in selecting a vibrator.  It was only a minor stroke, but one that I feel is responsible for at least 50% of my typos.

1. Rashes

Blisters. Sores. Pustules. Warts.  The most casual of acquaintance will describe dermatological afflictions of their genitals in graphic detail.  Not that anyone should ever feel shamed into silence by a potential STI.  But I’m not a doctor or anything close to a qualified diagnostician (though I can point you in the direction of someone who is).  Also?  People tend to initiate the rash conversation when I’m eating.  Let me finish eating my yoghurt, then we’ll talk about your discharge.

Categories: Fun Stuff, Parenting, The Man of Mans, Toys
14
Nov 2012

My Favourite Things: Reunions

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Feel the excitement!

I love reunions!

I’m not talking about the high school variety. I’ve never experienced one, though movies have led me to believe it will be a wacky night of poseur hijinks and the eventual realization I’m better off than the cool kids all set to Simple Minds’ ‘Don’t You Forget About Me’.

But today I’m talking about a much anticipated reunion with The Man of Mans!  He’s been in Bejing for the past ten days doing business-y things but that’s all done now. Tonight he’s coming home!!

Ten days may not seem like a terribly long time. I certainly know couples who have easily endured much longer separations. But this has been the most time we’ve spent apart in well over a decade.  As such, I’m jump-up-and-squee excited that my best friend will be back in our bed tonight!

It’s also been my longest stint of solo parenting. In the past, I’ve relied on my family to step in and give me hand when The MoMs is away. This time I decided to go it alone. Although I wasn’t really  alone.  I’ve gotta give props to The Green Bean. He has been all kinds of excellent since his dad left : helpful, co-operative and full of hugs. Seriously, the kid has shown unprecedented levels of awesome this week.

Yesterday I saw my shrink. I told her that I’d been nervous about taking charge of our family fort all alone. The MoMs is a partner in the true sense of the word. We do the heavy lifting of raising our child and running our home together and as such, I rely on him a great deal. So I was pleased to discover that I was able to manage reasonably on my own – at least temporarily.  And as I said to Shrink, although I’ve missed The MoMs immensely, the silver lining is realizing that it’s not because I need him. I just like him an awful lot. I cannot wait to see him again!!

So calloo callay! My reunion is but a few hours away! I’ve done okay during my time alone but I am more than ready to have my partner back!

Categories: Love, My Favourite Things, Parenting, The Green Bean, The Man of Mans Tags: , , , ,
01
Nov 2012

40 Before 40

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On Saturday I will be 37. And while that’s clear evidence that I’m growing older chronologically, I still look forward to my birthday with child-like (or more accurately, childish) excitement.

I’m jazzed about this birthday but I’m also aware that my 40th is tantalizingly close. I have to admit I’ve been looking forward to hitting that milestone for a long time.  Assuming I still have health, love, family and friendship in my life, making it to forty definitely feels like  accomplishment. And I’m almost there! Almost, but not quite.

I see the big 4-0 in the distance. But I must remember that life is journey and I should enjoy the ride. I should also eat fewer fortune cookies, because I’m starting to sound like one. Basically, I’m excited about turning forty but I also want to be excited about the three years before that happens.

So…

I’ve made a list. My 40 Before 40.

Long time readers of this blog and its predecessor, Adorkable Thespian, may remember my 101 in 1001. It was a list of 101 things I would attempt to do in 1,001 days. My time on that list expired a couple of weeks ago (If anyone is curious, I completed 58 of the 101 items). So this seemed like the perfect time to gear up  and ride out my thirties with a new set of goals.

The 40 Before 40 is a  list of forty things I hope to do before I celebrate my fortieth birthday. Will I achieve them all? Unlikely. Will I have fun trying? Hopefully.  As with the 101 in 1001, I’ll likely post about my progress as I check certain tasks off the list. I’ll begin on Saturday when I will attempt to bake my own birthday cake.  It all wraps up November 2nd, 2015 – the eve of my 40th birthday!

Here we go…

NADINE’S 40 BEFORE 40

1. Bake a cake from scratch.

2. Make a coconut cream pie for my dad.

3. Perfect a French fry recipe.

4. Co-host a Passover seder.

5. Get a non-ugly, non-holiday themed apron.

 

6. Go to grad school.

7. Earn my Master’s in Human Sexuality.

8. Live in San Francisco.

9. Attend a SAR.

10. Become an AASECT certified sexuality educator.

 

11. Write a book.

12. Speak at a conference.

13. Run my own sexuality workshop/seminar.

14. Plant a vegetable garden.

15.Don’t kill the vegetable garden.

 

16. Teach The Green Bean to ride his bike without training wheels.

17. Take The Green Bean to an San Francisco Giant’s game.

18. Take The Green Bean to lunch at Shopsy’s.

19. Run the National Capital 5K with The Green Bean.

20. Compete in a duathlon.

 

21. Go cross country skiing.

22. Go downhill skking.

23. Skate the length of the Rideau Canal.

24. Master backwards roller skating.

25. Learn to skate-jump.

 

26. Learn to make my own burlesque costumes.

27. Perform in a burlesque show outside of Ottawa.

28. Take a burlesque class/workshop.

29. Attend the Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto.

30. Visit The Museum of Sex.

 

31. Visit The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

32. Visit Danielle in Seattle.

33. Visit Corsica.

34. Rent a cottage and relax for a week.

35. Take some yoga classes.

 

36. Organize my closet.

37. Consign some unwanted clothes.

38. Get a pair of beautiful yellow pumps.

39. Have a new family portrait done.

40. Plan a celebration for my 15th wedding anniversary.

 

 

 

Categories: Family, My 101 in 1001, My 40 Before 40, Parenting, Porn, The Green Bean, The Man of Mans Tags: , , ,
18
Oct 2012

Sex-Positivity For Beginners pt 2: I Can’t Come In Today…I’ve Got Crabs!

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In Our Last Episode…

I gave an overview of sex negativity with examples of how our society sometimes paints sex as a fundamentally yucky thing that does bad things to our bodies and souls. I explained breifly that sex positivity came about as a response to this largely pessimistic view by offering an alternative, more accepting and inclusive perspective on human sexuality

And Now On To Our Show!

Now that I’ve written about what sex positivity isn’t, I can get on to telling more about what sex positivity is. Except *I’m* not going to tell you. I’m going to let awesomesauce sex educator, Charlie Glickman tell you. The following excerpt is from a piece that was given to me in my very first sex-positive workshop and I thought it was fantastic.  I’m unlikely to come up with an explanation that’s anywhere near as good, so Imma sit back and let you soak up the Glickman brilliance:

As a sex educator, I need to be able to reduce this confusion in order for my message to be heard. One method I have found helpful is to compare sex and food…

Try to imagine the following world: Accurate information about food is freely available and exists for all ages in appropriate ways. Talking about what sorts of food you like and negotiating with a dinner partner is a simple and relaxed experience. Different preferences, whether personal or cultural, are important for the information they provide and are no more or less important than hair color or family history, unless people are trying to figure out what to eat together. Some people prefer to eat with the same person indefinitely, others prefer to eat in a group and still others eat with a variety of partners as the mood suits them and nobody is ever forced to eat anything or with anyone. Each person is an expert in their desires and needs around food and their choices are respected.

While there are many examples of how our world is different from this food-positive one (as anyone who becomes vegetarian in a family of meat eaters knows,) it isn’t too hard to imagine this place. Now go back through the last paragraph and substitute “sex” for “food” and “have sex” for “eat.” How much more difficult is this world to imagine?

*Contented sigh.*

I don’t know about you but I think this analogy is swoon-worthy awesome. Not only does it get me all het-up about the exciting possibilities of a sex positive world, it also clarifies the idea that this isn’t about being all RAH! RAH! LET’S ALL HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME!  Having a more positive attitude towards sex does not mean that sex is better than not-sex. It’s saying that similar to food, sex is just a thing. It’s part of the human experience, there are many options and that we should all be allowed to choose what will work best for ourselves in our own lives.

Why I Like Sex Positivity

So you don’t have to have sex to be sex positive. You don’t even have to want to have sex to be sex positive. But I do. Not that I’m in a constantly state of arousal, but being a sexual person is definitely part of my identity. I’m also an extrovert and something of an exhibitionist. I like dressing in ways that show of certain parts of my body. I like doing burlesque and undressing in ways that show off almost all of my body.  Sex positivity is okay with all of that. Sex positivity doesn’t restrict my sexual expression because I’m married or a mother or closing in on my forties. That makes me pretty happy.

Sex positivity means I can stop worrying about whether or not I’m normal. There is no normal in sex pos. There’s just me, my body and my life. What works for me might be different than what works for yo and that’s it’s all sweet cuppin’ cakes!

That also means I don’t have to care about whether other people are normal. Truth time. I’m a lazy woman. Trying to define a universal set of acceptable sexual practices is hard. Having to determine how closely those around me adhere to those standards is hard. Assessing people’s moral character based on their sexual behaviour is hard. I have a career to work at and a family to care for.  Also? I just started watching Mad Men. Analyzing all that subtext keeps me very busy! I don’t have time to be judging everyone all day. Thanks to sex positivity, I don’t have to.

Sex positivity means I can talk about sex. A lot. I can discuss it with willing friends, freely and openly because sex is nothing to be ashamed of! Yay!

Ten Ways I Am Sex Positive

As I mentioned in the last post, I’m still relatively new to this whole “sex is not bad” concept. Here are some things I’ve been doing as part of my quest to live a sex-positive life.

1. I try to do work which reflect my beliefs that sexual health and reproductive choice are basic human rights and access to comprehensive, fact-based sex education is essential to achieving both of those aims.

2. I am big into consent. I blog about consent. I teach consent. The smut I write includes consent. The Man of Mans and I renegotiate consent and boundaries on an ongoing basis. Without consent, there is no sex.

3. If I tell someone I’m married I also say explicitly that I am sexually monogamous, since one does not automatically imply the other.

4. I try to use gender-inclusive terms like ‘partner’ or ‘parent’ ‘or people’  whenever possible.

5. Sometimes I’ll hear or read about a sexual practice that shocks the dickens out of me. I try to check myself and be aware of my own judgeyness. I also try very hard not to make disparaging comments about sexy things just because they don’t appeal to me personally.

6. I try to be a queer-friendly and a queer-ally.

7. I’ve stopped saying “Holy balls!”  as an expression of horror. Balls are not horrifying. Now I say it when something good happens. I’ve also stopped saying “slut”, “prude” and “cocksucker” like they’re bad things.

8. When other people talk to me about their sexuality and/or sexual experiences, I try to suppress my tendency to always be talking and listen.

9. I let people self-identify in their gender identity and/or sexual orientation. I refer to them the way they’ve refered to themselves.

10. I talk about sex!

 

Five Ways I Am Trying To Be Sex Positive But Really Need To Work On 

I also mentioned in the last post that I’m pretty new to the sex positivity myself. Every day I learn new stuff that expands my perspective and makes me realize how little I really know. This definitely feels like a life-long process kind of deal, ’cause I make mistakes all the time. Examples include:

1. Stating my preferred pronoun. I usually just say, “Hi, I’m Nadine” because I can take for granted that people will correctly assume my gender. But not everyone has that privilege. I’m trying to get into the habit of introducing myself thusly: “Hi, I’m Nadine. My preferred pronoun is ‘she’”, but 9 out of 10 times I forget. I also forget to ask other people what they’re pronoun is if I’m not sure.

2. Despite purging pejorative uses of genitalia and promiscuity from my vocabulary, there are  a few sex negative cuss words that still linger. I still haven’t surrendered the F-bomb.

3. I have a hard time admitting when I’m sexually inactive. It embarrasses me, which is not a very sex-positive attitude. Life is not about winning the “Who Has The Most Sex” contest.

4. I’d like to get better at including abstinence and asexuality in my discussions of sex because those are also totally legit ways of being.

5. At PPO we have a list of ways that people can be sex positive. One of the suggestions is to “call in sick by saying ‘I have crabs’. I have never done this. Okay…so far I haven’t actually had crabs. But that’s no excuse. Next sick day, I’m calling in with crabs! :-)

 

Sex Positive Parenting 

Do you know why I call my partner The Man of Mans? Because he is freaking excellent, that’s why! He was a sex positive parenting  long before either of us knew it was a thing. When The Green Bean was one week old, The MoMs started talking to him about all the things he would do in the future, including falling in love. He began with “Someday you might meet a special girl or boy….”

Right then and there, I knew my son was in great hands. The MoMs kicked us off with the sex positive parenting and we’ve both tried to keep it going as The Bean grows up.

1. We try to talk about genitals in the same way we talk about the rest of our bodies, using the proper terminology and not placing specific restrictions on using words like “penis”.

2. We don’t assume The Bean is heterosexual.

3. Like many children, The Bean is curious about gender. I’ve struggled with this for awhile, as I’m not comfortable with the “boys have a penis/girls have a vulva” explaination. After much thought, I am now telling him that “girls are people who say they are girls and boys are people who say they are boys.”

4. We don’t refer to the gender of colours, toys or activities. If The Bean brings it up, we remind him that there’s no such thing as a “girl” colour or a “boy” toy. These are things for everyone.

5. When Then Bean spotted my Diva Cup and asked me what it was for, I explained about my period.

6. We try to make sex, sexuality, relationships, reproduction and bodies part of the larger, every day conversation around our house.  The results have been….unexpected.

7. The MoMs and I hug, kiss, cuddle and express regular physical affection for each other in The Bean’s presence. He thinks it is WAY gross!

8. The MoMs and I hug, kiss, cuddle and express regular physical affection for The Bean.

9. If The Bean says no, pushes us away or protests when we try to hug, kiss or cuddle him we stop immediately. Even if he seems to be enjoying it.  Consent is mandatory and no means no. Period.

10. Similarly we never insist that he hug or kiss grandparents or other visiting relatives. Consent is mandatory but it’s also voluntary. No one is entitled to touch us if we don’t want it.

 

So there you have it…my two-part primer on sex positivity!

Are you a fan of sex positivity as well? What are some ways that you’ve found to incorporate it into your life? What are some challenges you’ve faced. This blog is my attempt to carve out a wee little pocket of sex positivity in the world, so thanks for reading along and being part of this conversation all the others!

Categories: Gender, Genitalia, Health, Parenting, Planned Parenthood, Sex, The Green Bean, The Man of Mans Tags: , , , ,
10
Jul 2012

Never Change

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Fabulous hat. Fabulous kid.

 

The Green Bean’s bedtime routine is always the same.

He discards the day’s dirty clothes in the hamper and marches into the bathroom to brush his teeth. We play a quick game of family hide-and-seek, followed by a story, a song, hugs, kisses and (for some reason) handshakes goodnight.

Last night I was sitting on the floor, while The Man of Mans and my Bean sat perched on the edge of his bed, immersed in the adventures of Geronimo Stilton. I looked up at my little boy. He’s getting big – fast.  There are days when his energy, antics and willful nature break the limits of my patience.  Sometimes I go off the rails entirely and I’m a train wreck of a parent.  There are other times – busy times – when my son’s needs become items on the day’s very long to-do list. But sometimes there are the moments like last night, when I feel compelled to stop, breathe and take him in.

He is a beautiful boy . His skin is healthy and tanned from hours of vigorous play outside. His mouth gets impossibly big when he laughs. His soft brown eyes are alight with life. He’s energetic and very adept physically. He’s always has questions. He loves being with people. He’s very much his own person.  Last night I had to smile seeing his bedtime dress, which included a kicky yellow barrette clipped in his bangs.  The Bean wants to grow his hair long and wear it in a braid  like his friend from Saskatchewan. Now that he can gather small tufts and clip them back, he’s very excited. Accessories mean progress!

My son loves to run, climb and play sports. He also likes to be in the bathroom when I’m getting ready for a night out so he can try on my makeup. His dress up outfits include sharp blazers and classic pearls. He’s a rough, loud, aggressive little boy, who loves construction sites and high heels.

I never want him to change.

Yes he will change. His preferences will almost certainly become more expansive and more clearly defined as he grows older. Some of this is – as they say – just a phase, though only time will tell if it’s his interest in sports, construction or womanly shoes that will fade over time.  But I hope he never feels he has to be someone he isn’t or hide aspects of who he is. That’s probably too much to hope for.  Who amongst us made it past childhood and through adolescence without capitulating, at least a little, to external expectations. But I can’t help it. I looked at my son last night – this lanky child with skinned knees and a funny clip in his hair – and he was perfect. That barrette wasn’t worn in defiance of gender roles or as a political statement. It was just my kid, being who he is.  I love who he is. I don’t have the words to express how much I love who he is.

I won’t tell my son that he can’t wear a clip in his hair or try my makeup or run rough shot in a skirt because he’s a boy.  But someone else will. Someone well meaning, who thinks they’re helping him learn how to “be a boy”. Or someone cruel and closed-minded, who will try to hurt him to make him ashamed and afraid of who he is. I know it will happen to him, because I’ve seen it. I know it will happen to him, because it already has. He’s already been maligned for violating the narrow boundaries of masculinity. It’s painful, seeing how it hurts him.

As I watched my son last night, I suddenly thought about Jamie Hubley. More specifically I thought about his parents. It’s been almost seven months since their son committed suicide. I wondered if they had ever sat and watched Jamie as I was watching The Green Bean. Surely they loved their son, as I love mine. Surely they had moments in their busy, stressful lives, when something had made them to stop and see their child as perfect, an indescribable gift.  Now he’s gone.

I’m still thinking about what the Hubleys have lost. What if I lost my son?  I think of all the queer and trans youth who are relentlessly tormented for just existing and being who they are. What if that’s my child?  I think of how many young people have been broken by cruelty and taken their own lives. I think of their parents and it breaks my heart.  The thought that someday that might be my Green Bean makes me frantic.

I don’t know if The Bean’s funny little clip is a phase or an early sign of his gender identity, expression or orientation.  It doesn’t matter to me.  It’s part of who he is. I love him. I’m proud of him. And damned if I didn’t hug him a little tighter and shake his hand a little more firmly as we said our good nights.

Rick Mercer said in response to Jamie Hubley’s suicide  ”It’s no longer enough to tell kids who are different ‘It Gets Better’. We have to make it better now.” I admit, I don’t know how to make it better – but I’ll try. I love my son, so I’ll try.

 

 

 

Categories: Family, Parenting, Queer, The Green Bean, Theatre
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