Five Spectacular Sex Positions That Just Aren’t For Me

The other day I decided to browse the app store in search of some software to add to my iPhone. My search led to Cosmopolitan’s Sex Position of the Day.

I’m not especially limber or flexible, so sex position guides tend to outpace my abilities within the first dozen pages. But Cosmo’s positions seemed particularly ambitious and/or baffling. So while I applaud any of you who have/can/will manage to enjoy sex in these configurations, I must confess that these are way beyond my physicality…and comprehension.

1. The Pinwheel

Holy pants! I thought running was hard on the knees. I’m pretty sure I’d have to swallow preemptive bottle of Aleve before embarking on this adventure.

2. Stairway To Heaven

I don’t know about you, but when my staircase – and pressumably the rest of my home – is being flooded, it rarely puts me in the mood for mad monkey love.

3. Sideways Samba

I lack both the core strength and the ballet training to balance my sexual partner en pointe.

4. The Passion Propeller

Because at Cosmo, sex=intercourse, I’m assuming that’s what happening here, which unsettles me because I cannot figure out how the penis works with this one.

5. Rock His Boat

This is not a sexual position. These are the consequences of position number two. Ignore the rising tides and eventually you wind up naked and riding the tides in a laundry tub.

If you want to read a brilliant sex blog with some truly hilarious Cosmo-snark, check out  the wise and witty Cliff over at The Pervocracy!