photo by S.3

On Acting

Once upon a time, I auditioned for a production of Shakespeare in the Park. Candidates were asked to put a new spin on a Shakespearean monologue of their choice, so decided to do Lady Anne dominatrix-style. I got myself a riding crop and some fishnets and a killer corset. I gave the audition everything I had, striding around the room, wielding my crop and showing off my skillz of iambitic pentameter. At one point I gave the crop a vigorous flourish and my corset slipped, flashing the audition panel with both beams.

Needless to say I did not get the part.

On Bedroom Eyes

In my opinion the sexiest thing a man can wear is a pair of glasses.

On Waxing

I try very hard to avoid wearing socks when I go for a brazilian wax, as they cause me undue stress.  Do I take them off or leave them on? Wearing socks but no underpants actually makes me feel *more* naked and vulnerable than being totally bare. But I also worry that if I take them off, the esthetician will wonder why I’m removing more clothes than necessary which could be weird.  Because, you know, THAT’s the part of brazilian waxing that’s awkward.

On “Back Massagers”

The Hitachi Magic Wand is marketed as a back massager but folks the world over know it as The Cadillac of Vibrators and when I worked at Venus Envy, I used my employee discount to buy one.  I remember the day I brought it home. I went to straight to my room, pulled it out of the box and plugged it in, eager to experience the Magic Wand’s good vibrations.

Yeah. Not so much. Like a Cadillac, The Magic Wand was beautiful machine but a bit too much for me to handle.  It felt like a herd of ponies trotting across my clitoris. Definitely not my vibrator.

It is great for working the kinks out of my back, though.

On Torch Songs

I think ELO’s “Evil Woman” is the sexiest song of all time.

On Personal Growth Experiences

The summer I was 22, I spent two weeks in France and Italy. I remember strolling the streets of Paris and eating gelato on the Ponte Vecchio in Florence. I remember getting up close with famous works of art like The Venus D’Milo, Michelangelo’s David, The Birth of Venus and of course, The Mona Lisa. I remember Mediterranean beaches, The Collesium and the view from the Eiffel Tower.

But what I remember most is my breasts and how they more than doubled in size, growing from a 30A to a 34D in just thirteen days! I was a bit worried they’d charged me for excess baggage on the flight home.

On Bringing The House Down

I had my first orgasm from partnered-sex when I was in university. I was living in a house with several friends and as I was coming,  across the hall, my roommates book shelf came loose and fell the the ground with a mighty crash. I was startled by the noise and disoriented by the orgasm, so it took several moments before it occurred to me that the two events were not at all related.

Accident Prone

To date I have managed to: pull a ligament in my knee, gouge my lower back, spike a fever, have an allergic reaction, bash foreheads with my partner and pass out cold, all during sex.

Do you have an adorkable admission? Care to share a sexy blooper or blunder? Is there a special song or type of clothing that gets your mojo going? The comments are open!

 

 

Comments

  1. alexis says:

    I once got a nosebleed while giving head.

    Also, I love the wand. But you really have to slowly go into it. Now I can’t use anything else. In fact, I once used two wands and nearly killed myself.

  2. @beaty_boop says:

    A) I’m double-jointed;

    B) I’ve had children, which relaxes the connective tissue in the pelvic area with some degree of permanence;

    C) Being able to fully dislocate my hips can be a very good thing, in terms of depth;

    D) Being physically incapable of relocating my hips on account of completely exhausted relevant muscle groups is–mostly hilarious, actually.