Last week I read 50 Shades Of Grey, the erotic, pulp fiction sensation that is sweeping several nations. I’ve heard a lot about this book and now that I’ve read it I have a LOT to say about it. In the spirit of the 50 Shades trilogy, this week I’ll be posting three entries on my experience in the Grey zone.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, weak writing was the least of my many problems with 50 Shades of Grey. But it was a problem. I kept vacillating between amusement and ire as I made my way through E.L. James’ inelegant prose.

At one point, part of me thought, ‘Nadine, if this book bothers you so much, maybe you should unleash the lion and write your own erotic novel. Walk the walk, as it were.’

Another part of me thought, “Or we could just make sarcastic comments on Twitter!”

My novel is likely to remain in the conceptual stages for the foreseeable future. But I got all pro-active with the snide tweeting. Here is the unabridged collection of  my 50 Shades rage. Full snark in 140 characters or less!

 

Grey: You cooked. I’ll clear.

Ana: That’s very democratic.

Me: No it’s not!

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Anna: *I am naked in a bath with Christian Grey. He’s naked.*

Me: That’s because YOU’RE IN A BATH!

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Ana: He’s hard and soft at once, like steel incased in velvet.

Me: OH NO YOU D-IN’T!

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Grey: You’ll be amazed what you can find on the Internet.

Ana: I don’t have access to a computer.

Me: Where is your college? 1987?

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Kate: Took almost a year to have my first orgasm through penetrative sex.

Me: I suggest less Freud and more clitoris.

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Ana: His most potent weapon used against me. He’s so good at sex.

Me: *Dies a little inside*

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Ana: He’s charming the pants of my dad…like he did to me!

Me: This is about to become a *very* different type of book.

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Grey: I’d really like to claim your ass, Ana.

Me: Ana’s ass can be found in ass claim on ass carousel no. 3.

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Ana: Have you done that [anal sex]?

Grey: Yes.

Ana: HOLY CRAP!

Me: Hee!

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Grey: Now. I want to be buried inside you.

Me: This position is called ‘Congress of the Turducken’

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Ana: The candle flame is too hot.

Me: I know, honey. Flames are made of fire.

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Ana: My inner goddess has her pom poms in hand; she’s in cheerleading mode!

Me: Ah, Cheerisis, Goddess of Pep!

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Grey: Ready for some contraception?

Me: Cue Jock Jams!

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Ana: He’s just sex on legs.

Me: We’ve found our slogan for our latest product: The Erotic Piano!

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Ana: Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?

Me: YOU LEAVE SHAKESPEARE OUT OF THIS!!

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Ana: My spinxlike smile meets his.

Me: Stop inventamitating words!

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Ana: Christian is wearing the grey flannel pants…his grey gaze full of promise.

Me: I don’t understand the title of this book.

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Ana: My subconscious gives me an I-told-you-so expression.

Me: Dude, why does your subconscious HAVE A FACE?

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Ana: …my nose drinking in his Christian-and-spiced-musky body wash fragrance.

Me: …new from Herbal Essences!

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Ana: Like a small boy he’s iridescent with anticipation.

Me: You’re confusing small boys and irridium.

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Ana: He denies it, but he admits he’s trying for more.

Me: I am untroubled, but irritated by this sentence.

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Ana: Inside my subconscious relaxes and slumps into an old battered armchair.

Me: Dude, why does your subconscious HAVE A CHAIR?

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Ana: The pain is indescribable…and I’ve brought it on myself.

Me: That summarizes my feeling about 50 Shades of Grey.

Comments

  1. Greg says:

    Glad you reposted these here; I only caught a few on Twitter. My subconscious is weak from laughter, its spinxlike smile metaphorically broadening into a grateful smile that it brought on itself.

  2. Pearl says:

    heh, that’s more enjoyable than the book could be. how about an audio re-release with your running commentary?

  3. Rick says:

    Apparently it’s a terrible book. Thank you for standing against the lemming march in defense of good writing. “House of Holes” by Nicholson Baker for surreal, magical realism sex. (NY Times critics pick of real filth.)

  4. Courtney says:

    I thought this would be right up your snark-alley :)

    Mark read Fifty Shades: http://youtu.be/HhWrsVlNgVo

    • Nadine says:

      Oh my god, I LOVE this guy! Like seriously, his commentary has got me hotter than the spankiest spanking scene in 50 Shades!

  5. Well done, Nadine!! The best of me reading the books: reading your ‘tweets’ and truly appreciating them.

  6. Nick says:

    Heheh.

    On a more serious note though, I’d love to hear your thoughts on why this book has become such a sensation. What exactly has she tapped into that people are responding to?

    (somewhat related, due to the Twilight connection, I thought you’d enjoy this article: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/12/what-girls-want/7161/)

  7. syrens says:

    You should totally write your own book! It will be a billion times better. (I’m doing it. Everyone should do it! WRAR!)

  8. The Maven says:

    I totally linked to this post via my post from this afternoon. And then I read this post again and just about died laughing – again. It’s like my subconscious just jumped up from her chair and cheered me on for reading this.

  9. Ashball says:

    I just wanted to let you know that this post is so funny and amazing! I thought I was the only woman out there who laughed at terribly written romance/erotic novels. It’s so wonderful to see I’m not the only one!