A friend once told me the story of a dude he knew who bought a new, very large pick up truck. He drove it to a family function and when Dude pulled up to the driveway fairly busting with pride at the splendor of his mighty vehicle, his brother immediately remarked.

“Nice truck. Sorry about your penis.”

I lauged when I heard this story. I’ve retold it at parties and I laughed some more because Ha ha! WITTY and also, BA-ZINGA! I have a vulva and drive a Prius, so it’s funny because it isn’t me.

But a recent letter from an anonymous reader got me thinking about the larger implications of a seemingly harmless joke.

On behalf of men everywhere, someone needs to say this.

Size does not matter.

My current lover, has, quite frankly, a below average sized dick. He told me before we even got naked. It has been a source of low self esteem in the bedroom department for him.

Low self-esteem? That’s not funny. It is however, understandable, given the derision and scornful humour that small penises and the people they’re attached to endure. After reading this letter, I was ready to GO with some prime cuts of righteous indignation about how slagging the less endowed WRONG and MEAN and people need to cut it the fuck out. Which is all true. Mean people suck. But so do hypocrites. So no rant today, but rather an apology to penis-having people of all genders:

I’m sorry.

Making fun of people’s bodies is not okay. It’s especially not okay to make fun of people’s gentials. Our society tends to treat the our sexual bits as secretive and somewhat shameful. The last thing anyone needs is the additional sting of someone laughing at their nether business.

It also isn’t cool to perpetuate the notion that masculinity not only depends on having a penis, but said masculinity depends on having a penis of a certain size and anything less is an insurmountable deficiency.

I’m guilty of both transgressions. I’m sorry.

This part of the letter forced me to consider why I’d found the pick-up truck story funny in the first place:

When we have sex…..zOMfG. I have NEVER had a constant orgasm with a lover before. It was unearthly. I have never gotten any pleasure from being on top, but he has me in a constant state of pleasure the moment we copulate.

Here’s the shitty thing about my joke and the fact that I laughed at it and told it to other people. It reinforces the flawed notion that tere are certain types of bodies that are just better for sex, than other; that certain people, by virtue of their of physique, have a greater right to sexual pleasure.

Fresh out of the oven wrongcakes!

Society abounds with  rigid ideas about “sexiness” and the human package it comes in. Small cocks, perhaps more than any other body part are (pardon the pun) double-penalized on both looks and functionality. But the truth is that sexy is in the eye of the beholder and our ability to give and receive sexual pleasure has no relation to the size of what’s happening between our legs. Our wise anonymous letter-writer says it best:

i’m not saying all small dicks are magical and all big dicks are overrated. I’m saying that the man makes the dick work. The person attached to the dick is the one who controls the thrust, the action, the pace, the pheromones, the passion.

I recently saw a movie where a character maligned his friend’s Prius by saying, “I literally feel like I’m driving around in a vagina.” It wasn’t funny. Because that kind of is me. So why am I dishing it out if I can’t take it?

Anonymous is right and I was wrong. The size of a truck has nothing to do with the size of a cock and the size of a cock has nothing to do with a person’s skillz of sex and awesomeness. I apologize for pertuating stereotypes and poor humour. I resolve to be kinder (and funnier) from here on in.

Comments

  1. Badkeesh says:

    I’ve often found that personal environmental impact makes a difference in sex. It’s just a straight up fact of life that men who drive cars that don’t have a good mpg rating come early.

    God, when did I turn into a troll? Great post as usual! 😀

  2. alexis says:

    Here’s another thing- Sometimes large penises can be over-rated. I once had a lover with a very large unit. However, his unit was so large that it was difficult for him to get hard. It took a long time, because he needed a lot of blood to fill it up. So he took a long time to perform and couldn’t always do it.

    Something to think/talk about.

  3. Jennifer says:

    I am proud to admit that I have had more than my fair share of partners, and I have a theory here.

    Based solely on my own personal experiences: It is almost as though the men with long shlongs came with the “I have a baseball bat between my legs, and don’t require much more in my skill set” mentality.

    The vast majority of my past well hung partners weren’t very attentive, didn’t listen well, didn’t go the extra mile, and didn’t do much to wow me…or really even try, it seemed. Despite my being all vocal and shit.

    Whereas the average, or below average men have always gone all Buzz Lightyear on my ass – to infinity and beyond!!!!
    Be it through oral, manual (OMFG!), or even penetration, I don’t recall ever having been left wanting more with any of the average Joe’s. In fact, it is usually me telling them that I am done.

    Maybe they are overcompensating, in the same way I always tried to be extra nice, and wow people with my extra sparkling personality to make up for the fact that I was extra large? I don’t know for sure, but what I do know is that when it comes to pleasurable sex, size does not matter.

  4. Thank you for this! I think most of us don’t realize our ‘body bigot’ tendencies— sure, I get cranky when I hear men criticize a woman’s body, but haven’t I overlooked someone for being too short, not having broad enough shoulders, or what have you? Two-way street!

    Great post.

  5. Thalia says:

    Something else to bear in mind, re: size – for some people, smaller is better! The g-spot (have we figured out for sure that it exists yet?) is only two inches in. If you’re very small/tight/new to sex, a large penis might be uncomfortable with either vaginal or anal penetration.

    I don’t know who said it, but: it’s not the size of the schooner, it’s the motion of the ocean…