Your vulva is too hairy. And saggy. And dingy.

Also? Your vagina is a bit of a cave.

Like the rest of our bodies, our cooters can be customized to our exact specifications – provided of course you have the money and access to the cosmetic application/procedure of your choice.

You can remove a little, a lot or all of your pubic hair through shaving and/or waxing. You can nip and tuck your lips via labiaplasty. You can tighten up the inner works with vaginal rejuvenation surgery. You can even lighten and brighten your cooch with racist horror cream topical skin ligthening.

Confession: I make cosmetic adjustments to my appearance for completely superficial reasons on pretty much a daily basis. I apply moisturizers in the hopes that it will preserve some semblence of youthful elastiscity in my skin. I spend a lot of time and money to have my hair straightened. I wear make-up. Once a month, a portion of my modest salary goes towards having my labial folicles striped of hair. So really, I have no right to judge.

I have no right to judge because I myself participate in cosmetic culture. More importantly I have no right to judge because what other people choose to do with their bodies isn’t my business. Unfortunately, I am prone to moments of inner judgement – especially around racist horror cream the skin lighteners – but that’s as much about my own body image triggers as it is about OMG THE HORRIFYING RACISM product.

What I do take issue with is that many of these products and services are sold under the guise of, “Dude, there’s something WRONG with your vag.” And yes, that’s the shilling point for most cosmetics, but somehow it feels extra mean when that message is aimed at my crotch.

Here’s an excerpt from a local salon’s FAQ about brazilian bikini waxes:

Many women opt and even request a Brazilian wax because it gives a neat, clean appearance.

Except pubic hair isn’t dirty or messy. That’s my garage. I’ve yet to see a person with a winter’s worth of car salt and an overflowing recycle bin in their bush. Pubes are normal. It’s just hair, like all the other hair on the other parts of our bodies. If you like it, keept it. If you don’t, by all means get rid of it – but let’s not make this into some sort of hygiene/housekeeping issue!

Here’s the lowdown from a popular plastic surgeon known for performing “Designer Laser Vaginoplasty”.

Although hidden, a woman’s genitalia can still be a source of shame and discomfort when its appearance is less than favourable. Designer Laser Vaginoplasty® is the name for a broad range of trademarked procedures designed to improve the aesthetics of female genitalia. It can treat asymmetry and any other aesthetic problem related to this area.

Finally – a treatment for asymmetry. For those of you who don’t know, asymmetry has reached pandemic levels, affecting vulvas around the world. In fact, it’s so common…it’s common. Some might even say “okay” and “totally not weird”. Which isn’t to say you can’t restyle them if it’s going make you happy. But labia aren’t like shoes – they don’t have to match.

And there’s we have the next evolution of racist horror cream, skin lightening products: cunt lightening body wash. This appears to be a product out of India, where apparently dark nethers are the leading cause of marital discord.

My own bits – like the rest of me – are pretty colour rich. I’d better get me some wash, before The Man of Mans dumps my brown ass for fairer pastures!

Ultimately it’s your body and you do what you want with it. Just know that your whether you like it altered or au naturel – your v’gee is all good!

Comments

  1. Antithesis says:

    I’m holding out for creams that allow me to choose from the entire colour wheel so I can have a mood Vag…..Yes, yes I am being sarcastic and very judgmental, but I’m still having trouble with the idea that the product exists

    • nadinethornhill says:

      Although I remain terribly biased against skin lightening everything, “Mood Vag” is making me cackle-laugh and spew bits of lunch all over my kitchen – so thank you!

  2. Antithesis says:

    I may be on to something here, we should start up a company right away. I can picture the article in Fortune 500, “little did they know on their first meeting in the Green Room at UW that together they would revolutionize the feminine hygiene industry”….we’ll call it Hygnx

  3. I could not believe my eyes when I saw that add. And the fact that some women actually believe they need to buy it and use it… It makes me sad and angry that society leads them to believe that

    • nadinethornhill says:

      “The fact that some women actually believe they need to buy it and use it…”

      That’s it right there. I have no problem with people wanting to alter their appearance, but telling people that they *need* it because there’s something inherently wrong with their bodes is a lie and one that’s very damaging.

  4. Reblogged this on Summer Solstice Musings and commented:
    Ever since I saw that damnedest add, I thought or ranting about it. But Nadine pretty much sums it all so here’s her post

  5. Thalia says:

    Jezebel’s article on this had links to some great commentary… I posted their article all over Twitter and Facebook. I thought I had finally found the answer to my ‘forever single’ dilemma, just make my downstairs look like one of those old school Crayola ‘skin colour’ crayons… Alas, the law says I can’t walk around flashing people to see if my hypothesis will bear out (a rich, handsome dude will propose upon noting how pink my vajayjay is).

    I think it’s fine if people want to engage in beauty and cosmetic practices for their own happiness but I think it’s equally important to examine why and how people engage in those practices. The Beheld (the-beheld.com) discusses that idea a lot and… Well, when I think back to all the things I’ve heard in my family alone, it’s hard to dismiss the idea that this product will be marketed and sold because of (racist, obvs) the impact of colonialism and internalized beauty ideals that valourize whiteness. I don’t judge people for using it but I most assuredly judge the product itself.

    • nadinethornhill says:

      I think it’s fine if people want to engage in beauty and cosmetic practices for their own happiness but I think it’s equally important to examine why and how people engage in those practices.

      Great point, Thalia!

      Absolutely. I still have some inner conflict over straightening my hair. Because on the one hand *I* prefer the way it looks and I find the day-to-day maintenance easier. But on the other hand, I probably prefer the way looks at least in part because I’ve grown up in a culture that has a very euro-centric beauty ideal. My maintenance is easier in part because finding hair care products and services for straight, loose-textured hair is far much less challening.

      BTW, I just started reading The Beheld a few weeks ago. I am smitten!

  6. Jamaica says:

    OMG – I’m from the generation of ‘cover it up for gods sake’ so I only know what mine looks like. I had no idea that a vajayjay could be ugly

    • nadinethornhill says:

      Which is a kind of awesome. Imagine how great we could feel about the different parts of our body if no one told us they were ugly. :-)

  7. Very good and useful post.

  8. visitorium says:

    You know what? I would buy a product called ‘Racist Horror Cream’, if only for the Kitsch value. Also, because my Mangina is shamefully unkempt.

  9. DeeDee says:

    Wow. I mean, just wow. I find the whole “fix your broken underparts” message so utterly disturbing.

    But this from a girl who isn’t willing to go through the discomfort of waxing or even shaving below the waistline. Scissors work to keep things “neat and tidy” and I don’t live in a bikini-line-baring zone.

    Hair is really OK. It sure doesn’t stop my husband from going to town. If he can have hair, so can I, right?

    • nadinethornhill says:

      Exactly! Although I am disturbed there does seems to be a rising expectation that guys submit to “manscaping” in order to meet some arbitrary sexiness standard. I mean again, if he wants to, by all means primp that body but hair really is OK. It doesn’t need to be banished like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

  10. Jess says:

    I miss when male comedians in the early 90’s would talk about the harrowing search for the clitoris in the damp jungle of minge, because it implied effort was taken in the pursuit of pleasure. A waxed fanny is like ordering delivery from the pizza place located two minutes away. Navigating a big hairy lulu is like beginning cooking by banging two pieces of flint together to get the fire started. Any man who can pick pubes out of his teeth without destroying the atmosphere is A CRAFTSMAN. When a man can produce a tooth pick while naked under the Seven Bridge – I will FUCK THE FUCK OUT OF THAT MAN.

    • nadinethornhill says:

      I’m so ungraceful when it comes to plucking pubes out of my mouth. Fortunately my partner is turned on by the sight of me sputtering like a broken sprinkler by his crotch. :-)

  11. Google found a couple of articles that reminded me of this post:

    http://www.salon.com/2012/08/12/the_war_on_pubic_hair_salpart/

    http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/whats-point-pubic-hair

    For what it’s worth.

  12. Lisa says:

    In light of the “vajazzle” trend, I regret not going ahead with the Mood Vag