Recently, John wrote to me with the following query:
I’ve got a question for you, from a guy’s perspective. To set the stage, here’s a quote from Friends:
Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know that?

Chandler: Umm, yeah.

Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like … stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth….

Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why would they do this?

Ross: Rachel says sharing’s great and supposedly, you know, we outta be doing it. So …. d’you wanna?

Chandler: We’re not gonna talk about girth are we?

Ross: No!

 So my question is … do women really talk about girth?  What do women talk about when they’re talking about sex? Because maybe men wouldn’t admit it but I think we all, deep down, would feel flattered if we thought that we did (or had) something so special in bed that a woman would talk about it with her friends. But it’s a big mystery to us.

How detailed does the conversation get? Do you talk about his kissing ability, size, certain moves? Now that you are married, do you feel weird about talking to your girlfriends about your sex life? Anxious male minds want to know!

Women present a broad and varied spectrum of people, so I can’t pressume to speak for my gender as a whole. But personally, yes I have been known to dish about girth and other details of my sexual exploits, though perhaps not in the way one might assume.


I’m a fan of the penis but I definitely wouldn’t characterize myself as a size queen. I’m more captivated by their shape and hydraulic function than how big one is in relation to another.  I rarely have conversations along the lines of “Oh my god is dick is SO huge/wide/small!”

Discussions about size usually happen when it presents a functional challenge I haven’t encountered before. Things “Hey, Group of Friends, my partner’s cock is longer than my vagina, how can I stop it from poking me in the cervix?” Or “Trusted Confidante, my partner has a slender penis. Do I need to apply more suction when I’m blowing him?”. Or “Hey pals! Standard size condoms don’t fit my partner properly. What should we do?”

Size may effect the way in which I have sex with a dude, but if I’m having sex with someone it’s a safe bet that I have only good things to say about him and his penis.

2. Kissing

My friends and I do talk about kissing.  If my experiences and conversations are anything to go by, the positve assessment of a kiss  (especially a first kiss) is directly proportional to how smitten one is. A text-book pefect embrace that’s tender, yet confident may illicit nothing more than a regretful “It was a good kiss but…” followed by a string of rationalizations that really mean I’m just not that into him.

Meanwhile, a sloppy smooch from an object of my affection has always meant jubilant announcements to friends, well-wishes and random strangers on the bus that “OH MY GOD! HE KISSED ME!”. Every moment preceeding and proceeding the kiss must be relived in nuanced detail and celebra – yes, I understand this is your bus stop, ma’am. But HE KISSED ME!

The Moves

My friends and I do talk about moves. A LOT. We walk about what we enjoy and we we don’t as well as the tactile likes and dislikes of our various partners

What’s interesting, however is that in all the years that I’ve been jawing about the specifics of touching, caressing, fondling, spanking, biting, scratching, thrusting, licking, sucking and positioning –  I cannot remember a single instance of someone saying, “I was with this person and they just had this awesome move and that gave me galatic orgasms! And I didn’t even have to ask!”

This is not to say that no one has ever that experience. But I suspect it’s rare. The conversations I have are more along the lines of “I had to show my partner that I like my clit touched this way” or “When he came, he wanted me to hold his balls like that.”  It’s taught me that for most people, good partnered sex is less about innate skill and more about getting guidance from the other people involved.

Married Love, Life and Sex

There are aspects of my married sex life I’m comfortable discussing, but others I’m more reluctant to share.  I have no problem telling someone what type of sex I enjoy or dishing about some kinky conjugal adventure The Man of Mans and I have shared. I’m proud that after 16 years together, we’re still into one another.

I’m less forthcoming about the fact that we don’t always have a lot of sex. I think I’m a little self-conscious because lack of sex is one of those horrible stereotypes that persist in our society about marriage inevitably devolves into passionless monotony. The Man of Mans is the great love of my life. I still feel great passion for him, but the truth that I don’t often share is that sometimes parenting, fatigue or the effect of my anxiety/depression get in the way of sexy times.

Everyone is included

This isn’t about what I talk about when discussing sex, but rather who I discuss sex with.  I don’t tend to segregate my friends based on gender, which means that I’m not only having these conversations with my girlfriends but with all sort of folks in my life.

The original question clearly demonstrates that women are not the only people who are curious about sex – not only the act itself but what other people think and feel about it.It’s a fascinating topic and one that many people want to be able to chat about. So I will chat about it with virtually anyone who’s willing to join me in the conversation.  Which is exactly why I love answering questions like these!

Do you talk about sex with your friends? Which topics do you discuss? Do you prefer to talk shop with friends of the same gender or are you an equal-opportunity smut sharer? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments, or drop me an e-mail if you have a query of your own!


  1. nick2401 says:

    The Mysteries Of Women: As Unraveled by Nadine. ( Title for a new play?)